I have to apologize to Lana, I'm ridiculously behind in reading up on people's blogs, and unfortunately I'm back on July 29th of hers. So Sorry! I was just reading her post: "Being Chronically Ill Makes Me Question Myself" And all I can see is the parallel that holds true for all of us. Having doubt and uncertainty in ourselves and what we're able to accomplish is both personally devastating and creates roadblocks to what we're allowing ourselves to attempt to do in the future. Goals we've always had, and worked hard to meet, become less important, less achievable, as we look at ourselves and whats happening to our bodies and wonder if its even possible anymore.
Personally, I'm ashamed to admit, but I often see it as a "pass" for giving up, or not even trying. Or an excuse for why I didn't make it. It's hard to draw a line between what we physically can't do anymore, and what we can do, but have to do carefully. Having chronic/invisible illnesses not only affects our physical health, but our mental awareness of self, and our perception of what we're capable of. Quite frankly, It's not fair. But if we remain in the pity party, that I so often desperately want to throw for myself!, we're missing out on the beauty of what could be happening in our lives, and in the future. And what makes all of it worse, is the fact that others around us don't understand what we're going through. (See next post on Invisible Illness)
Our bully, uncertainty, tries to mess with our head and tell us we can't do it anymore. To quote Lana: "The truth is I know that am capable, but I don’t always know how able I am....when I am flaring I forget that I am able." I know I am right up there with her, and I'm sure many of you are as well. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've wanted to do something, but the words: if I weren't sick....runs through my mind as a disclaimer for why I can't. I'm afraid I won't succeed. I'm afraid adding one more thing to what I'm already doing will cause me to have a flareup. And I'm afraid to talk about it. I don't want others to know that I have other dreams, but I'm too afraid of what could happen to even try to accomplish them. I want to go back to school, I wish I'd never given up, that I'd pushed through to the end. That I hadn't picked a major based on things like: I can do this online, in my own time; or this degree will allow me to have a job with awesome benefits. I wish I didn't have to choose my job based on the insurance benefits. I wish needing insurance benefits didn't limit me in what I am able to do. I wish I had more time to volunteer. I wish I had more confidence in myself. I wish people understood.
But I also know, that if I let uncertainty win and take over all my decisions, that my life is not going to contain eveything I'd hoped for. I'll be stuck here, where I am, not going anywhere, or accomplishing anything new. I'm going to look back and be disappointed that I passed on so many opportunities. I'm going to see all those discarded dreams and wish I'd tried harder. I'm going to wonder if I would have been able to do it if I'd only tried. Thank you Lana, for reminding me that I am capable, and that I need to remind myself that I am able, and to try harder to shut out the little voice in my head telling me I can't do something. I'm going to re-evaluate what I want to do, and work on getting there. Because I know I can, I just have to work harder, and smarter to get there.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Solutions to the Double D (see below)
I've been complaining about my PCP for ages, but always figured, I hardly ever see her so its not that crucial to change it. And then I end up needing to see her, and I go through the whole: I need a new dr! thing again. So this last flare up, the one where she called some random rhuematologist, was when I decided to follow through with getting a new one.
Something you should know: (actually, I've probably said it in here somewhere) my mom's a nurse, so when it comes to my medical situations, she always has an opinion. Not just your random opinions that most parents have, because there's always some medical knowledge in said discussions. However, she's not consistent in sharing her opinion, most of the time she'll give it freely when I'm not looking for it, or when it goes against something my dr's and I decided. But when I'm actually LOOKING for her medical (or regular) opinion, she almost always tells me it's my decision and keeps her opinion to herself. (don't you love it when that happens??)
So I finally decide to go dr shopping, and my mom suddenly has no input on who I should see. She works with drs all the time and either knows a lot of them or at the very least knows of them, what they're like, etc... So I go trolling through random websites like healthgrades.com or ucomparehealthcare.com trying to find ratings, opinions or whatnot about local PCP's. I even went through the list reading their names out loud and asking about them...she only commented on the ones I thought had some promise and was going to look into..."oh, no...you don't want him/her..." sigh...
So I ask my rhuematologist (dr mak) for suggestions, and end up, not sure how really since I asked for suggestions, with a referral for a local dr who I guess is in the same network as dr mak. I go home and tell my mom "search over, going with dr...." and she responds quite emphatically: "oh...NOOOOO...you do NOT want HIM! He is the most arrogant, self-important, know it all, I've ever had to work with. You do not want to see him. He wouldn't be the right dr for your condition." Great feedback...little late in the game... Now what? I've got a referral and everything... No problem, I think...haven't called, just pretend it never happened and keep looking..." Two days later I get a phone call from his office asking me for more information for my file...apparently dr mak put everything through... great! (and by the way, she was extremely rude on the phone as well, before I even told her I'd reconsidered so I didn't feel too badly about this) So I inform her that I was still looking at my options and I would contact the office if I decided to go with them. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure she hung up on me....That door may be closed forever...oh, well...
So my mom starts joining the search and questioning the dr's she works with. Trying to find one she likes that she thinks will be the perfect fit for me. She comes home one day and this is basically our conversation: (comments in parentheses are my thoughts during said conversation)
Mom: I talked to one of the drs at work tonight and he agreed to take you on as a patient.
me: I'm sorry, what?
mom: he was at work, checking on a patient and I started talking to him about you. Well, when I first noticed him at the desk, he was talking to one of his partners, and I didn't want him to be around and volunteer for it, so I had to wait until he wasn't there anymore. But when he left I started talking to Dr. G. about your condition. I asked him if he knew anything about connective tissue disease (I interrupt)
me: I have mixed connective tissue disease, there's a difference...
mom: yeah, that is what I'd called it. (hmm...ok...) He said he didn't know a lot, but he could research it. I asked him if he only saw patients at healthsouth (rehab/therapy place my mom works at) or if he was taking on patients at his practice. He said he'd take you. There's just one thing....
me: (thinking back to earlier conversation about other drs she'd commented on, waiting for comments on personality, demeanor, etc) yeah?
mom: well, he's really, really good looking. (too shocked to speak....seriously? THIS is her hesitation point? what does it have to do with his being my dr?) Shana thinks he walks on water, says he's "dreamy". He's really good looking. (really starting to get uncomfortable with my mom, my MOM, going on and on about how amazingly good looking this guy is...awkward!...starting to wonder if there are ulterior motives...) Shana was all excited the other day, cause he touched her shoulder and told her good job....she came over and told Greg and me: He touched me!
me: why? is he single or something? how old is he?
mom: no, I don't think so...(I immediately feel better about "dr hottie", don't know about you, but I feel more comfortable with exams and other things with male dr's when they're married) he's probably in his 40's (ok, so she's not trying to set me up...why is his "good looking" such a big deal??)
me: so whats the big deal?
mom: I don't know, I just didn't know if it would make you uncomfortable...(really? why do I care...don't...no problem) I think he'd be a really good fit for you though. He's a great dr, really cares about his patients and goes beyond what he needs to, to treat his patients and be knowledgeable of their treatment and condition. He said to call his office and set it up.
me: ok...
So, long story short: I found a new PCP. Or rather, my mom found one for me...lol. In any case, I won't be back seeing my old one, and not going to miss her either. Now I just have the awkward conversation with them of switching and collecting my medical records...which I already did, not as bad as I'd thought it would be. And that experience made me even happier that I'd finally made the switch. I was going through my file, and its a serious mess. Really, did they shuffle it before giving it to me?? The records are totally not in order. It goes from 2007, to 09, to 02, to 04, back to 09, some 2010, some more 07, and on and on, nothing in order by date or occurrence, absolutely the biggest mess I've ever seen. No wonder she didn't know what I'm talking about half the time... Anyway, so ends my PCP dr dilemma.
Something you should know: (actually, I've probably said it in here somewhere) my mom's a nurse, so when it comes to my medical situations, she always has an opinion. Not just your random opinions that most parents have, because there's always some medical knowledge in said discussions. However, she's not consistent in sharing her opinion, most of the time she'll give it freely when I'm not looking for it, or when it goes against something my dr's and I decided. But when I'm actually LOOKING for her medical (or regular) opinion, she almost always tells me it's my decision and keeps her opinion to herself. (don't you love it when that happens??)
So I finally decide to go dr shopping, and my mom suddenly has no input on who I should see. She works with drs all the time and either knows a lot of them or at the very least knows of them, what they're like, etc... So I go trolling through random websites like healthgrades.com or ucomparehealthcare.com trying to find ratings, opinions or whatnot about local PCP's. I even went through the list reading their names out loud and asking about them...she only commented on the ones I thought had some promise and was going to look into..."oh, no...you don't want him/her..." sigh...
So I ask my rhuematologist (dr mak) for suggestions, and end up, not sure how really since I asked for suggestions, with a referral for a local dr who I guess is in the same network as dr mak. I go home and tell my mom "search over, going with dr...." and she responds quite emphatically: "oh...NOOOOO...you do NOT want HIM! He is the most arrogant, self-important, know it all, I've ever had to work with. You do not want to see him. He wouldn't be the right dr for your condition." Great feedback...little late in the game... Now what? I've got a referral and everything... No problem, I think...haven't called, just pretend it never happened and keep looking..." Two days later I get a phone call from his office asking me for more information for my file...apparently dr mak put everything through... great! (and by the way, she was extremely rude on the phone as well, before I even told her I'd reconsidered so I didn't feel too badly about this) So I inform her that I was still looking at my options and I would contact the office if I decided to go with them. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure she hung up on me....That door may be closed forever...oh, well...
So my mom starts joining the search and questioning the dr's she works with. Trying to find one she likes that she thinks will be the perfect fit for me. She comes home one day and this is basically our conversation: (comments in parentheses are my thoughts during said conversation)
Mom: I talked to one of the drs at work tonight and he agreed to take you on as a patient.
me: I'm sorry, what?
mom: he was at work, checking on a patient and I started talking to him about you. Well, when I first noticed him at the desk, he was talking to one of his partners, and I didn't want him to be around and volunteer for it, so I had to wait until he wasn't there anymore. But when he left I started talking to Dr. G. about your condition. I asked him if he knew anything about connective tissue disease (I interrupt)
me: I have mixed connective tissue disease, there's a difference...
mom: yeah, that is what I'd called it. (hmm...ok...) He said he didn't know a lot, but he could research it. I asked him if he only saw patients at healthsouth (rehab/therapy place my mom works at) or if he was taking on patients at his practice. He said he'd take you. There's just one thing....
me: (thinking back to earlier conversation about other drs she'd commented on, waiting for comments on personality, demeanor, etc) yeah?
mom: well, he's really, really good looking. (too shocked to speak....seriously? THIS is her hesitation point? what does it have to do with his being my dr?) Shana thinks he walks on water, says he's "dreamy". He's really good looking. (really starting to get uncomfortable with my mom, my MOM, going on and on about how amazingly good looking this guy is...awkward!...starting to wonder if there are ulterior motives...) Shana was all excited the other day, cause he touched her shoulder and told her good job....she came over and told Greg and me: He touched me!
me: why? is he single or something? how old is he?
mom: no, I don't think so...(I immediately feel better about "dr hottie", don't know about you, but I feel more comfortable with exams and other things with male dr's when they're married) he's probably in his 40's (ok, so she's not trying to set me up...why is his "good looking" such a big deal??)
me: so whats the big deal?
mom: I don't know, I just didn't know if it would make you uncomfortable...(really? why do I care...don't...no problem) I think he'd be a really good fit for you though. He's a great dr, really cares about his patients and goes beyond what he needs to, to treat his patients and be knowledgeable of their treatment and condition. He said to call his office and set it up.
me: ok...
So, long story short: I found a new PCP. Or rather, my mom found one for me...lol. In any case, I won't be back seeing my old one, and not going to miss her either. Now I just have the awkward conversation with them of switching and collecting my medical records...which I already did, not as bad as I'd thought it would be. And that experience made me even happier that I'd finally made the switch. I was going through my file, and its a serious mess. Really, did they shuffle it before giving it to me?? The records are totally not in order. It goes from 2007, to 09, to 02, to 04, back to 09, some 2010, some more 07, and on and on, nothing in order by date or occurrence, absolutely the biggest mess I've ever seen. No wonder she didn't know what I'm talking about half the time... Anyway, so ends my PCP dr dilemma.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Doctor Drama!
Things have been seriously crazy in my life right now. So you may see a few updates in a row. Don't be alarmed, its just the flow of random thoughts and posts I had in my head for a while and waiting for the actual time to put them down on "paper". And instead of creating some super ridiculous rambling post, I'm gonna break it down for you. :)
So...back to Dr drama. I've never really liked my Primary Care Physician. She tends to overreact to labs/symptoms/situations when my other Dr's roll their eyes and tell me I'm being paranoid when I ask them about it. No...sorry, not me...just got a little freaked out about the phone calls and referrals to specialists that apparently are not necessary. Before you go into a lecture on why I stayed with her for so long, let me explain...
Now don't laugh...but I saw my pediatrician until I was 17... I know right? Stop laughing. She was awesome! She's actually the Dr I was seeing when I first started getting sick and having symptoms of RA. She narrowed down the field a bit and sent me on to my rheumatologist to figure things out. That's when she decided it was time for me to find a regular PCP; it also coincided with me leaving shortly for college. So I took the first name off the list of those she suggested that would agree to take me (first mistake...always check into it before making a blind leap into the unknown. Professional referrals are good, but patient opinions are occasionally more accurate.) I saw her a few times and discovered different things I didn't like about her, but as I was leaving soon for Ohio (I live in Pa) it didn't seem like switching Dr's again was top of my priority list...I wouldn't be seeing her much anyway right?
So...red flags in my details of Dr drama:
So I try to avoid going to her if at all possible, and try to only go when unrelated sickness occurs when I'm not having a routine appt with dr mak (my rheumatologist) However, not even that works all the time. Because she's my PCP, all of my test results, etc automatically get sent to her. So I'd get phone calls because she didn't like the results of blood work that she didn't order, nor did the other physicians deem necessary to report or consider a problem. And she would then insist I come in to see her about them, get additional testing, or see a specialist. However, other than the fact that she tends to be an alarmist, and lets be honest, that's not a trait I want in my Dr, (how bout you?) there are the other "little" things that completely bug me about her office.
So after the last flare-up landed me in the ER with rapid heart rate, pneumonia, chest pain and irregularities in kidney function on blood tests....and I got that phone call of overloaded concern...I asked my rhuematologist for a referral for a new PCP. He of course wanted to know why I was unhappy with my current physician, but promptly gave me information upon hearing my reasons. So the search was on for a new PCP, I'd finally had it. Check for my next post on how I actually made my decision...its an interesting story... :)
So...back to Dr drama. I've never really liked my Primary Care Physician. She tends to overreact to labs/symptoms/situations when my other Dr's roll their eyes and tell me I'm being paranoid when I ask them about it. No...sorry, not me...just got a little freaked out about the phone calls and referrals to specialists that apparently are not necessary. Before you go into a lecture on why I stayed with her for so long, let me explain...
Now don't laugh...but I saw my pediatrician until I was 17... I know right? Stop laughing. She was awesome! She's actually the Dr I was seeing when I first started getting sick and having symptoms of RA. She narrowed down the field a bit and sent me on to my rheumatologist to figure things out. That's when she decided it was time for me to find a regular PCP; it also coincided with me leaving shortly for college. So I took the first name off the list of those she suggested that would agree to take me (first mistake...always check into it before making a blind leap into the unknown. Professional referrals are good, but patient opinions are occasionally more accurate.) I saw her a few times and discovered different things I didn't like about her, but as I was leaving soon for Ohio (I live in Pa) it didn't seem like switching Dr's again was top of my priority list...I wouldn't be seeing her much anyway right?
So...red flags in my details of Dr drama:
- When discussing a possible medication addition for cramping she tells me: "well you're already taking Peroxicam, which is what I prescribe for that all the time. Let me look, I'm not sure what the highest allowable dose is..." Not even kidding...right there, looked it up. Gotta give her props for admitting she didn't know, and yes I am aware there are hundreds of medications out there and she can't know them all by heart ( I worked in a pharmacy for 4 years, believe me I know...) But seriously? If you prescribe something ALL THE TIME wouldn't you think she'd know the maximum allowable dosage?? Does not instill a lot of confidence.
- Whenever I got sick, had any kind of infection, flare up or other medical problems she would test for anything that could even remotely be related to my symptoms. I mean everything. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been tested for mono. I've never had it. But I've been tested for it at least 10 times, probably more. I have a chronic inflammatory disease. One of the main complaints of RA sufferers is fatigue. Seriously...if I'm achy, sore and sleeping all the time...I'm having a flare up, I don't have mono. Every time my glucose level has been a little on the high side, she'd have the tests redone. I've had the fasting time delayed glucose test twice. Both came back negative. She tells me I have occasional hyperglycemia, my rheumatologist (dr mak) tells me its normal to be elevated while I'm sick/during a flare.
So I try to avoid going to her if at all possible, and try to only go when unrelated sickness occurs when I'm not having a routine appt with dr mak (my rheumatologist) However, not even that works all the time. Because she's my PCP, all of my test results, etc automatically get sent to her. So I'd get phone calls because she didn't like the results of blood work that she didn't order, nor did the other physicians deem necessary to report or consider a problem. And she would then insist I come in to see her about them, get additional testing, or see a specialist. However, other than the fact that she tends to be an alarmist, and lets be honest, that's not a trait I want in my Dr, (how bout you?) there are the other "little" things that completely bug me about her office.
- For starters, her receptionist is extremely rude, second only to the billing lady at my dentists office who insists that she can't separate my dental billing/info from my moms (can we say HIPPA violation?). But that's another story...
- Also, EVERY SINGLE TIME I've gone into see her I've had a wait time of no less than an hour and a half...and that's before even being taken back to the exam room to wait some more...And I'm not just talking those sick visits she would fit me in for, these are also routine scheduled appt's. It's ridiculous. And seriously, the last thing I want to do when I feel like absolute crap, have a fever of over 101, sinus infection, etc is sit in her waiting room for two hours just to have her tell me she doesn't know whats wrong, order a bunch of tests, and tell me she'd rather refer me than prescribe anything for me. Thanks, that was an awesome use for my time, glad I woke up, drug myself out of bed, into your cold, uncomfortable office for that...yes, thank you.
So after the last flare-up landed me in the ER with rapid heart rate, pneumonia, chest pain and irregularities in kidney function on blood tests....and I got that phone call of overloaded concern...I asked my rhuematologist for a referral for a new PCP. He of course wanted to know why I was unhappy with my current physician, but promptly gave me information upon hearing my reasons. So the search was on for a new PCP, I'd finally had it. Check for my next post on how I actually made my decision...its an interesting story... :)
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