It's been a while since I've posted. I've sat down many times and started to write. It's not as if my mind goes blank when I try to think of what to share. Its more like a thousand thoughts go running through my mind and I'm not sure where to start or how to make sense of it all. The last three months have been so simple and uneventful and yet confusing and full of discontent. And yet I have much to be thankful. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, when despite everything, I've still been blessed with a lot. I may not have a job, or anything looking promising in the future, but I'm not homeless, or destitute. While I'd rather be off on my own, and often feel guilty I'm taking advantage, I have a mother who doesn't mind, and in fact enjoys, that I still live with her.
Three months ago, I faced the loss of my job wondering how it would all work out. Naively thinking I'd only need unemployment for a few weeks at most. That I'd find another job again soon. Sadly that has not been the case. And facing one disappointment after another as jobs I've applied for and hoped at getting disappear, has been unsettling to say the least. The emails from search engines keep coming, but they offer little in the way of hope. The simple fact that there is little out there should help me feel better about not having anything yet, but it doesn't ease the panic of not knowing how I'm going to continue to pay my bills and what I will do should I get sick in the meantime. I couldn't afford the COBRA payment for my insurance, and have no hope it seems of finding a job with benefits very soon. I finally curbed my pride enough to apply for medical assistance only to be denied because my unemployment benefits are too much for me to qualify. I don't have enough to purchase my own, but have too much to get the help I need...go figure...
Faced with another appointment scheduled with my new Rhuematologist, who I still have yet to see, I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to have to reschedule it again, and yet I'd be hard pressed to come up with the $280 it would cost me to go. I need to get in and get settled with the new dr, so that she's familiar with me and my case before I should happen to get sick, God forbid. And yet I can't even afford to do that. I need to go so that I can get the prescriptions I need to continue on with the health I have now, and yet if I can't do that then I will surely get sick and we all know I can little afford what would come with that. I live with the constant fear of the what ifs of living with chronic illness. What had been a quiet voice in the back of my mind before (when I had a job and insurance) seems like I can't shut them down anymore. What if I get sick? What will I do if the fevers start again? The pain in my chest, the racing heart and kidney problems of the last time, scare me to death. What will I do if it happens again when I have no way to help me pay for it?
And I've also been fighting anger about the whole situation. Angry that my life is not as simple as just needing a job to pay bills and other things. That my life is far more complicated than I ever could have imagined it getting. That I have to rely on things like my multiple medications (5) and other supplements (7) to help me feel somewhat normal, and have to go to quarterly dr appointments and various lab work to keep up with it all. Upset that I can barely remember what life used to be like, before I got sick. When things were "normal". Angry that swallowing 12+ pills every night, and wondering before each activity or chore if I'll feel alright in the morning, questioning what I can and can't do, that all of that has become my new "normal". Things I now do by habit and necessity. Upset that I'm forced to question whether I can handle doing something, or weighing the enjoyment of the moment against the risks of what may happen. I miss being able to do something because I want to, without having to question how it may make me feel later, or if I can actually do it at all. I miss being able to do things on the spur of the moment, decide to stay somewhere without having planned on it. Instead I have to be prepared if I decide to go somewhere overnight, I can't decide to just stay over at my sisters cause we're hanging out too late, because then I'd be missing my prescriptions and I know I'd feel like crap in the morning. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to worry about sickness and medications and doctor appointments. I wish I had perfect health. I wish I didn't have to worry about how people will respond to me and my illnesses, and having to wonder if people will accept me for me, regardless of my health. (I did warn you I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself right?) sigh...
But I need to remind myself that I am indeed blessed. I have a family who loves me, friends who see me for who I truly am, and often forget I have any health problems. A wonderful Church that lifts me up and encourages me through it all. A PCP that, despite having not seen me yet either, has given me refills on one of my medications because I really needed it and he understands I can't afford to see him right now. A mom who's more than happy to take care of me when I need it. While I'm making far less than before, with loan deferment and such, I'm able to continue paying my bills on unemployment. It could be far worse. I may doubt and question what is going on in my life, but I know that God is there and is taking care of me. I am blessed. I'll try my best to remember that.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Complications of the Chronically Uninsured
Its been two and a half three months since I was laid off, and I'm still unemployed. Being home all the time is starting to feel normal and I can almost not remember what its been like to be going to work every Monday through Friday. But I desperately miss it. Its been driving me crazy to not have a job and reliable source of income. I've been making it with my normal bills, sometimes just barely, but still making it. The part that really worried me the most about not working, is being uninsured. I knew with unemployment money and my school loans being on deferrment I'd be ok for a while financially. I mean, I wouldnt be paying things off on it, but I wouldnt be going under either. However the cost of COBRA for my insurance was too much to even consider, sadly. I've been applying for jobs, waiting for calls, hoping to hear from people and watching my various prescriptions dwindle...
The cost of the actual prescription is not what was worrisome, its the fact that said prescription (most unfortunately it would HAVE to be the Mobic...) had no refills and I had none on hold at the pharmacy either. As I've mentioned previously, I've recently gone through a complete Dr overhaul. Problem is, I'd not yet seen either of my new dr's before my insurance ran out. I called my old Rhuematologist hoping he'd take pity on me and my situation and call in a refill. They're usually so accommodating and helpful, however this time not so much. I hadn't been in to see him since July, so he said he couldn't refill it for me. They did suggest I call my PCP, that they would probably call it in for me. However since my old PCP's office spitefully shuffled my file before handing it over, I didn't really see that happening.
I'd already rescheduled one appointment with my new Rhuematologist, because of the whole no insurance thing, and the fact that my "new patient" appointment would cost me around $280. So I call up my new PCP's office to state my dilemma and hopefully ask if they may be able to do anything. They check their records and find that they didn't have my medical records yet. Oops! I forgot to drop them off... I told them I had them and could stop over with them, so I did. They left a note on my file for the Dr, took my number and said they'd see what he said. Near the end of office hours the next day (when I knew they wouldnt be calling it in after that time) I call the pharmacy, as I'd not heard from the dr, to see if it was in. I was told they'd called it in the day before. YAY!! I'm so thankful for an understanding Dr and his office staff (no rudeness at all!) There was even a refill.
So that saved me the $180 it would have cost to go in for an office visit with him. Which is more than I wish to part with at one time now that I'm jobless... I've been very blessed. As I said above, the cost of filling it wasn't something I was concerned about. Giant Eagle is still running their $4 month/ $10 for 90days on certain generic medications, and all of mine are on the list. It's saved me a ton of money and stress over how I'd be able to pay for everything.
I'm sure a lot of you know the fear of "what if I get sick?". This is only intensified when you don't have insurance for when those what ifs become reality. My flare ups (the big ones, I don't count the mini's) are intense and brutal, and the last one had me in the ER with 104 temps, 130+ heart rate, pain in my side, and chest pain when I took a deep breath, or cough, or sneeze...Turns out I had pneumonia on top of everything else, as well as some kidney problems. After the ER I had a visit with my Rhuematologist, who sent me to the Cleveland Clinic for a second opinion, etc... Needless to say, the copays and deductibles I racked up (and am still paying for...) were high enough... I can't imagine having to worry about how I'd pay off the whole thing. And as one month turned to two, and then three I had to face the fact that I needed to get something, "just in case". It's been nearly a year since my change in diagnosis, and last flare up. break for happy dance :). But this disease is not well documented and very unpredictable, and I don't want to be in the middle of feeling completely crappy when I finally face the fact I have to do something.
Sadly, I'm over the age that I'd be able to be put back on my moms insurance, as the new healthcare bill allows. Missed it by a month...dang it. Technically Gov. Rendell passed a similar bill for the state of PA that allows it for children up to age 30, but its left to the discretion of the employer to decide if they'll allow it or not, and my moms does not. So I moved on to looking online for a cheap policy that would help. Not only was I unable to find one that would cover what I needed, as well as not be disqualified because of preexisting conditions, but now I get a ton of junk calls from random insurance agents. While they've tapered off (had been at least one, sometimes more a day) I'm still getting at least one a month.
I keep praying that I'll find a new job soon. One that I'll love as much and more as the last one, and that will have the benefits I so desperately need. Theres still one out there that I applied for that hasn't yet been filled, and another that I know people have been recommending me for. I hope to hear from either soon. Disappointment and hope. Two warring emotions that have been competing for my time and attention. Neither of which I have time for. The dance over which one will win is exhausting. Hope often wins, but lately the disappointment has been creeping in to overcome it. Its a waiting game, and I'm finding my patience for it is waning thin.
The cost of the actual prescription is not what was worrisome, its the fact that said prescription (most unfortunately it would HAVE to be the Mobic...) had no refills and I had none on hold at the pharmacy either. As I've mentioned previously, I've recently gone through a complete Dr overhaul. Problem is, I'd not yet seen either of my new dr's before my insurance ran out. I called my old Rhuematologist hoping he'd take pity on me and my situation and call in a refill. They're usually so accommodating and helpful, however this time not so much. I hadn't been in to see him since July, so he said he couldn't refill it for me. They did suggest I call my PCP, that they would probably call it in for me. However since my old PCP's office spitefully shuffled my file before handing it over, I didn't really see that happening.
I'd already rescheduled one appointment with my new Rhuematologist, because of the whole no insurance thing, and the fact that my "new patient" appointment would cost me around $280. So I call up my new PCP's office to state my dilemma and hopefully ask if they may be able to do anything. They check their records and find that they didn't have my medical records yet. Oops! I forgot to drop them off... I told them I had them and could stop over with them, so I did. They left a note on my file for the Dr, took my number and said they'd see what he said. Near the end of office hours the next day (when I knew they wouldnt be calling it in after that time) I call the pharmacy, as I'd not heard from the dr, to see if it was in. I was told they'd called it in the day before. YAY!! I'm so thankful for an understanding Dr and his office staff (no rudeness at all!) There was even a refill.
So that saved me the $180 it would have cost to go in for an office visit with him. Which is more than I wish to part with at one time now that I'm jobless... I've been very blessed. As I said above, the cost of filling it wasn't something I was concerned about. Giant Eagle is still running their $4 month/ $10 for 90days on certain generic medications, and all of mine are on the list. It's saved me a ton of money and stress over how I'd be able to pay for everything.
I'm sure a lot of you know the fear of "what if I get sick?". This is only intensified when you don't have insurance for when those what ifs become reality. My flare ups (the big ones, I don't count the mini's) are intense and brutal, and the last one had me in the ER with 104 temps, 130+ heart rate, pain in my side, and chest pain when I took a deep breath, or cough, or sneeze...Turns out I had pneumonia on top of everything else, as well as some kidney problems. After the ER I had a visit with my Rhuematologist, who sent me to the Cleveland Clinic for a second opinion, etc... Needless to say, the copays and deductibles I racked up (and am still paying for...) were high enough... I can't imagine having to worry about how I'd pay off the whole thing. And as one month turned to two, and then three I had to face the fact that I needed to get something, "just in case". It's been nearly a year since my change in diagnosis, and last flare up. break for happy dance :). But this disease is not well documented and very unpredictable, and I don't want to be in the middle of feeling completely crappy when I finally face the fact I have to do something.
Sadly, I'm over the age that I'd be able to be put back on my moms insurance, as the new healthcare bill allows. Missed it by a month...dang it. Technically Gov. Rendell passed a similar bill for the state of PA that allows it for children up to age 30, but its left to the discretion of the employer to decide if they'll allow it or not, and my moms does not. So I moved on to looking online for a cheap policy that would help. Not only was I unable to find one that would cover what I needed, as well as not be disqualified because of preexisting conditions, but now I get a ton of junk calls from random insurance agents. While they've tapered off (had been at least one, sometimes more a day) I'm still getting at least one a month.
I keep praying that I'll find a new job soon. One that I'll love as much and more as the last one, and that will have the benefits I so desperately need. Theres still one out there that I applied for that hasn't yet been filled, and another that I know people have been recommending me for. I hope to hear from either soon. Disappointment and hope. Two warring emotions that have been competing for my time and attention. Neither of which I have time for. The dance over which one will win is exhausting. Hope often wins, but lately the disappointment has been creeping in to overcome it. Its a waiting game, and I'm finding my patience for it is waning thin.
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